Hello everyone.
Today, I am going to talk about something a little bit tough for me. I'm going to go into a little more depth about my first serious relationship than I have in the past. The thing is, I have been working really hard to gain closure on the relationship and it's hard. This is because the relationship wasn't easy because BOTH of us weren't all that great. I know I was a bit irrationally emotional at times and wasn't super mature in any way. But I was also 15 (he was over 2.5 years older) and it was my first relationship. It lasted exactly 18 months and no. I wasn't perfect. He wasn't either. That's what I'm going to talk about mostly.
When we first met and were talking, he was dating a person that I considered to be my enemy number one. He was talking to me in a flirtatious manner while dating her. He also had a chick friend that he was super into at the time. At one point, he told me that he liked me, but I'd always be his third choice basically. I really liked him at that point so it was hurtful to hear that. Then he and the girl broke up and he decided to date me. So, starting out the relationship I was under the impression that I had to prove that he should like me more than the other two. That I should be his number one. For me, that meant more or less that I should sleep with him to make him like me most.
It was completely consensual, but afterwards, I didn't feel anything emotionally. It was kind of weird because growing up I was always taught that girls are supposed to be in love with their "first" and that we had to stay together. I didn't feel any of that. I then decided to commit to the being his number one even more so because I wanted to prove something. I'm not entirely sure what I was trying to prove, but I was trying to prove something.
He used to lie a lot about things, too. One of the biggest things was how many sexual partners he had in the past. He always told me it was a huge number. He also had nudes and pictures of his exes and girls he liked on his phone still. On top of that, one of the girls he had nudes of he pointed out one day and told me he had a threesome with her and the girl who was his #2. I was a bit bothered by it because I got super insecure and competitive. He finally came clean about 7 months into the relationship. I was not happy because I had JUST come to terms with the idea beforehand.
My family hated him and my friends hated him because of how controlling he was. Nobody liked our relationship. I didn't either. I was pretty submissive to him. He actually used to tell me (we went to church together) that it was "God's will" for the woman to be submissive to the man and that I needed to follow that.
He used to tell that other chick how pretty she was all the time and such and it made me even more insecure. I was getting a lot of people calling me fat and things like that at about the same time so it made me kind of go overboard on trying to be the prettiest and skinniest. So, I basically stopped eating for a while. It got so bad that I could barely keep warm in a heavy coat just walking from class to class. The one thing I can say about him in this though was when he saw me one day, he was super upset because he could see pretty much all my ribs and my spine and basically all my bones. He at that point begged me to eat because I was obviously killing myself.
When it comes to the sex life, I won't talk too much about it. For the most part he was pretty good about it. There was just one or two times where he was aggressive and not really willing to listen to my "no". Those were not good times. I don't want to talk about it, however. So, I won't.
One of the biggest things for me that lead to our breakup was the fact that he started to try and get me to cut off friends in my life. One that he had me cut off is now my husband actually.
I am saying all this to talk about why I broke up with him - which will bring me to the next part. I want to say again that neither of us was perfect by any means. I was definitely not mature at that point, but to my defense I was 15 and he was my first real boyfriend. How was I supposed to know how to act?
Fast forward to our break up. The break up was not pretty initially. He was very upset, which I get. He begged me to be his "fuck buddy" because I wasn't "allowed to ever have sex with another man". He was so possessive that I told him that I cheated on him with my, at the time, best friend (hubby's best friend) to try and get him to be mad enough he'd leave me alone.
At one point I started dying my hair blonde and started doing things I wanted to try and I remember he would say things like "Now that you dumped me you're doing things I always told you would look good on you. I always told you these things because you asked what you could do to make me happier and now that we're broken up you're finally doing them". Looking back, I wish I had said to him "THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!!! I DID NOT MEAN WHAT CAN I DO TO BE MORE APPEALING TO YOU!!" It's like so my being blonde would have made him happier to be with me. I think this speaks pretty well for itself.
We ended up trying to be friends for about three months before his possessiveness and and aggression escalated to a very vicious point. It got so bad he was trying to convince me he was going to die if we didn't get back together, he was always trying to get physical when we hung out, he would get mad at me for random shit, and then not understand when I was not making any effort to be nice to him. I will admit, I was an immature bitch when we were trying to be friends. I guess I just was tired of it. But the thing is, he started to take things way too far.
At about the three month mark I believe I told him I just wanted space to do my own thing and move on. He then escalated his possessiveness over me. He started harassing me about being fuck buddies more often, he was obsessive. He was always messaging me - even when I didn't reply. Most of all he was trying to upset me and guilt me into being his girlfriend again because "the doctor said if I don't get over this that I'm going to die". I was such a nervous wreck that I talked to an adult lady that I trusted about it and she advised me to ignore him for a week and then decide what to do. I took her advice and it really set the tone for how I look back at the relationship now.
When he was being ignored he started out annoyed, then got guilt trippy, then got mad, then got angry, then got sobby, then got vicious. Near the end of the week he was texting me about 30x a day, Skype messaging me at least 15x a day, tweeting at me around 10x a day, calling a couple times, fb messaging a lot as well. He was calling me a "heartless bitch" and just a "bitch" and just over all being threatening and vicious. It was so scary that I have a hard time thinking about it. He was posting on my wall frequently too and somehow his mom got involved. She was pretty horrible too. My "sister" at the time told her to back off and that how my ex was acting was horrible and that it needed to stop. She then proceeded to say something about how since he and I broke up I had already slept with 4 guys and that he told her "ew, no." about wanting to get back together with me. Like I had asked him to! So, then he said to say one word to let him know I 100% wanted him out of my life forever and I literally said "out". That was it. He then left me alone.
Since then, I haven't seen him. I've seen him around town before I graduated high school and moved to Texas to live with my husband's family while he was deployed, but not after that. I'm not going to lie. Even after moving, I never got over the feeling I had during that week. It was honestly traumatic. So traumatic that even now I'm scared of him.
From then I moved to Texas and got married and all that jazz. I got back to my home town just 6 months ago and am now working in the small town's Safeway where I know I will eventually see him or his family. I have been super nervous every day going in that I'd see him. I got tired of that so I decided to message him. I was straight up about how I feel and how I am tired of having been afraid for the last 4 1/2 years and that if he's going to be at that Safeway to let me know. The craziest thing, though, of that whole conversation was the fact he said he was sorry. He apologized. I don't know if anyone knows how crazy that felt to me. I didn't know I needed to hear that.
So, I thought that I had reached near closure finally. That is until the inevitable happened and I saw his dad. I panicked and ducked down behind the counter. Then I got mad at myself. Why was I hiding from his dad? He did nothing besides treat me with love and respect throughout the whole time I have known him. So, I stood up and helped him and made his drink and chatted. He then went on his way. I figure that if I'm that startled by someone I really like just because of their affiliation with my ex, then I can't account for how I'll feel when I see my ex - even if he warns me that he'll be there.
I won't say he was the worst person ever, but he was the worst person for me and I think I was for him too. For now, I'll leave it at that, mostly because I blocked out so much from that time that I can't remember more to share.
Thank you guys for reading.
If you have any stories like mine, I'd love to hear them. I'm sorry if you had to deal with something like this.
XOXO - Sarah
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